HOW TO MANAGE YOUR HUSBAND’S NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR

Q & A

This question has come from Winnipeg, Canada. She says, “I have been married for 20 years. My husband is an amazing man and I love him a lot. But he has a habit of repeatedly talking about his bad experiences. Though… I feel for his situation but sometimes his negativity is overwhelming and annoying. What can I do to change that?”

It can get really frustrating and overwhelming when your husband is talking about his bad experiences time and time again. You want to be there to support him because you love him but at the same time, it is too much if the same thing keeps repeating over and over again. And you just want to get out of that place and you might also lose your temper at times which can take a spiral turn for a relationship.

Yes, we all have our low moments and get some negative thoughts, but it is the habitual negativity that gets frustrating. Right?

People constantly dwell on those bad experiences, but they will never admit to it. They will say, I don’t dwell, I am being “practical”.

Well. you can do few things-

Next time he talks about his negative experiences, ask him to tell you what that means to him. And listen with full attention and don’t say anything. You don’t want to respond right away with your suggestions or advice because he will feel that you are trying to change him, and people generally speaking don’t like to be corrected and told what to do and what they need to be. Because if you do that, they will go the opposite way and it will drain you even more. They will listen to your point of view when they feel safe and how can you make them feel safe? . . . first by listening and then acknowledging their experiences. People need lot of empathy and understanding before they are receptive to your solutions.

So after you acknowledge that, appreciate him what good things he has done in the past and is doing in the present. Try and bring his focus on things he has accomplished in his life and how much joy it brought to him. Remind him and make him visualize those happy moments. Take him on that journey. Boost his ego by praising him. Men need that all the time . . . that’s the way they are. It triggers the reward center of the brain. And then the brain releases the happy hormones which gives a feeling of achievement and pride. Praising creates a positive association with that particular behavior and it makes them to repeat it.

And then communicate to him how his negativity is affecting you, the family and your marital relationship.

People are so wrapped up in their past you know that they don’t realize how their negative energy is making everyone miserable. They are not aware of that. So what they do is, they blame external circumstances, people or even luck because they feel they are not in control of their own life. They tend to think if all had gone the way they wanted it to, they would have been happier.

So where is this negativity coming from?

Fears — some kind of a deep-seated fear…that is generally the root cause of Negativity. — the fear of not being respected by others, the fear of not being loved by others, and the fear that “bad things” are going to happen. So that’s when they start blaming others.

When people get anxious about something, it drives them to imagine and worry about what could go wrong in the future . . . because you know, things had gone wrong in the past. You must have noticed that these millennials often do not think twice in taking risks. Because they don’t have too many experiences to compare with. Whereas, we with our past experiences good and bad are always weighing pros and cons which shuts us from taking risks because our brain assigns emotions to our past experiences.

You can ask him to start writing . . . If he is willing to try that . . . and vent his frustrations…he can express whatever he feels like. Ask him to write down how he felt when xyz happened. What did he learn from that xyz. What can he do to better it this time. Doing that, may make him aware and accept his own role in that and take his responsibility which by the way can be very empowering. I know these days writing on paper is becoming obsolete. Suggest him to start a word document. Who knows he compiles his writings and publish a book from it?

Then you can encourage him to try new and different things so that he sees there are some fun things out there to focus on and have a feel good about himself.

But while you are trying to help him don’t forget to take care of yourself. Spend time with positive people because you don’t want to get sucked into your husband’s negativity. You need to maintain positive space around yourself because it will help you deal with him with compassion and firmness. Keeping a positive vibration is extremely important that you can do for yourself, your relationship and your children. It is difficult to listen to your husband’s negative stories if your own energy is down.

But let me tell you, dealing with a negative partner in marriage can take time and several conversations. If you see it is not going well, stop, re-think your approach and try again.

Do your best. You cannot force him to think differently, you cannot force him to feel differently, and you cannot force him to act differently. He has to be aware and be willing to work on it. It has to come from him. You do your part by offering empathy, understanding, appreciations, encouragement, motivation and then simultaneously staying positive yourself.

What I have talked about here is generic. Let me know, we can explore more and work on your specific issue at hand. What happens is sometimes listening to a third person, getting their perspective even if it is the same as yours does the magic.

Your coach, Sonali XO