HOW DOES STUBBORNNESS AFFECT NEW RELATIONSHIPS IN MIDLIFE

Midlife is a significant phase in a person’s journey.

It’s often regarded as a period of self-reflection and transformation and can also bring about its fair share of challenges, especially when it comes to relationships. One such challenge that many individuals face is stubbornness, where a person has a tendency to resist change or compromise.

To a certain level, it can be an admirable trait. However, an excess of it can significantly hinder the search for a new partner.

Stubbornness can have profound consequences on relationships, personal growth, and overall well-being. Stubbornness, especially in midlife, can make finding a new partner or navigating a new relationship/situationship difficult.

Why do people become so resistant to change later in life?

Reasons:

1. Identity reassessment: Midlife often triggers an identity re-evaluation, creating a high desire to assert one’s beliefs and values. This comes out as stubbornness when individuals resist adapting to new ideas or perspectives.

2. Fear of change: Fear of change, which is rooted in concerns about failure or the unknown, can further amplify stubborn behavior. As people approach middle age, they may become more risk-averse. They cling to familiar routines and resist exploring new possibilities. That’s why couples who move in together at this stage find adjusting to each other’s habits very hard.

3. Accumulated experience: Midlife individuals have accumulated decades of experience, which can lead to a sense of expertise and “I am right” myopic perspective. This accumulated knowledge can sometimes make them resistant to alternative viewpoints.

4. Inability to compromise: Stubborn individuals may have a fixed mindset and be less open to compromise or negotiation. They believe they have compromised enough in their previous marriage/relationships. But I want you to remember that compromise is fundamental to a relationship. There are bound to be disagreements and conflicts in a relationship. Compromise helps reach a middle ground. It is a skill that can be learned.

5. Difficulty letting go of past baggage: Unresolved past experiences, trauma, and emotions can contribute to stubbornness. Midlife often brings unaddressed issues to the surface. Little things trigger them, which leads to a rigid stance as a defense mechanism. This can make it challenging to move forward and fully invest in a new relationship.

6. Trust issues: Being stubborn can sometimes be a defense mechanism against vulnerability. This may make it harder to trust a new partner and be open and honest about feelings and insecurities.

7. Unrealistic expectations: Stubborn individuals may have rigid expectations about what a relationship should be like. Finding a partner who meets all these criteria can be difficult if these expectations are too inflexible or unrealistic.

8. External pressure: Societal expectations, cultural norms, and pressure to conform to certain roles and behaviors might lead individuals to resist change to assert their independence.

Consequences -

1. Missed Opportunities: A fixed mindset can lead to missed opportunities to meet new people and significantly limits the pool of potential matches. Life gives them another chance to build a new loving relationship, but due to their stubbornness, they miss out on the potential for companionship, love, and happiness that can come from being in a fulfilling relationship.
2. Communication Difficulties: Stubbornness can block effective communication when someone is unwilling to consider alternative viewpoints or insists on having things their way.
3. Repeat Unsuccessful Patterns: When someone refuses to acknowledge past relationship mistakes or patterns, they may find themselves stuck in a cycle of unsuccessful partnerships. And that’s how they are not able to learn and grow from their experiences. It prevents them from embracing change or pursuing potential love interests.
4. Emotional Isolation: When an individual doesn’t want to adapt, and they struggle to connect with those with different opinions or lifestyles, they may push potential partners away, which leads to isolation and a lack of emotional support.
5. Stress and Frustration: The process of finding a partner can be stressful, and being stubborn can add an extra layer of stress. When they face resistance from potential partners, and they constantly insist on their own way, they feel frustrated and emotionally strained.
6. Kills Intimacy: If the interactions are one sided and one person is not willing to budge, it can have a profound effect on developing intimacy.

Navigating Stubbornness in Midlife:

1. Self-awareness: Recognizing one’s tendencies toward stubbornness is the first step. Self-reflection and acknowledging the motives behind this behavior can provide insight into whether it is a defense mechanism or a genuine conviction.

2. Open-Mindedness: Practicing open-mindedness involves actively seeking out alternative viewpoints and information. Engaging in discussions with your potential partner with different opinions can broaden perspectives and challenge fixed beliefs.

3. Flexibility: Cultivating flexibility doesn’t mean abandoning principles but adapting to new circumstances and learning from experiences. This mindset can encourage personal growth and resilience.

4. Seek Professional Guidance: Therapists or coaches can provide tools to navigate midlife transitions, address fears of change, and encourage constructive self-discovery.

5. Mindfulness and Stress Reduction: Mindfulness practices help manage stress and promote emotional regulation, reducing the inclination towards stubborn behavior as a coping mechanism.

6. Question yourself — Be curious and ask yourself what is the reason that you don’t want to let go of the belief that you are right all the time. What is going to happen if you admit your wrongness? What is the cost and the payoff for being right and sticking to your ways?

7. Goal Re-evaluation: Reassessing your relationship goals and expectations lets you adjust to the current situation.

8. Make a list of your needs and wants: Evaluate your top most needs and wants so that you can communicate them to your partner. Smaller needs would require flexibility. Keep in mind, not every need can be fulfilled by your partner.

Conclusion — Not all stubbornness is inherently negative, and there are situations where standing firm on certain values or beliefs can be important. For instance, Stubborn people don’t easily give up or give in to difficult situations or even their ambitions. They can use their stubbornness to persevere in all areas of life. For example, if they go through a hard breakup or bereavement, research shows that stubbornness may keep them going.

However, if stubbornness becomes an obstacle to forming and maintaining healthy relationships, in that case, it may be beneficial to self-reflect, adapt, and potentially work on being more open and flexible in certain areas.

Many stubborn people call themselves –”creatures of comfort.” But that doesn’t help one’s growth if they don’t get out of their comfort zone and experience something new or widen their perspective.

Seek professional help to overcome the challenges associated with stubbornness when you are looking to find a partner in your midlife.

Midlife individuals can strike a balance between staying determined and flexible. In this way, stubbornness is channeled constructively, enhances personal development, improves relationship dynamics, and enriches the quality of life during this critical phase of life.

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